This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i drank out of a bidet.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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