so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I will be naked everywhere
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
