my phone needs a breathalizer
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
