She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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