if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
