i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
