I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
