So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
