even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
