I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
