Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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