There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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