i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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