I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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