My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
