i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
