I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
