He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
