Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
