I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
