my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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