My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize