i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
