At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
