and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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