Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
this will be a night to untag.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
