Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
