I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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