He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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