booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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