she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
