The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize