remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
