Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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