my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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