I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
