My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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