Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
