My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
