just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
