Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
