just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
