I hate your face
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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