just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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