I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
