life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
