Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
