By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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