Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
