Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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