1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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