i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize