JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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