I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
