he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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