____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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