Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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