I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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