I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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