So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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