I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
