Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
