Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
