theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
