my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
