we have officially lost it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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