Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Holy shit dude........stairs
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
