you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
