so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
