Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
