M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
