You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
