Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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