So drunk its hurt
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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